Navigating an awkward Thanksgiving after the election
Issue 143: Five tips for navigating politically polarized holiday gatherings
With the holidays coming up, many people many will likely themselves at a family gathering feeling politically tense. Are you worried about sitting through your uncle’s annual rant about American politics and the most recent election? Or will your niece’s protest posts on TikTok be too much to stomach over dessert? Have conspiracy theories spoiled the whole thing?
You are not alone!
We have felt way the same way too (full confession: we have at least one family member who posts way too much misinformation on Instagram). Recent research has revealed that political identification—and polarization—has been corrosive to family gatherings and impacted how people spend their holiday dinners.
In 2018, researchers analyzed ~25 billion smartphone location data pings from ~10 million Americans and found that that politically diverse Thanksgiving dinners were “30 to 50 minutes shorter” than ones with politically aligned guests. In 2020, the study was replicated with a meta-analysis and found that across multiple studies, politically diverse dinners were on average about 24 minutes shorter.
The authors found that political diversity was associated with a less pleasant atmosphere and this explained why dinners were shorter (see figure from the study below). These politically-fraught dinners were 12–19% shorter than dinners with politically likeminded folks, which lasted an average of 257 minutes. So if you find yourself making excuses to leave the party before dessert is served, you are not alone.
The research revealed a simple explanation: Political diversity was unpleasant. All the arguing was linked to a shorter dinner duration. This is a case where spending time in an echo chamber of family members might ease tensions.
It appears that families and friends, either sick of arguing about politics or struggling to avoid the topic altogether, may have simply minimized their time together. This is likely a consequence of the fact that Americans are more polarized than any time in at least the past four decades and disagreements now take the tone of good vs. evil—making conversations feel more like sectarian conflict than a spirited policy debate. This makes it increasingly hard to settle on good natured disagreements or find reasonable compromises.
If you are dreading a food-fight over politics this year, we might have a recipe for avoiding disaster. A couple of years ago, we published an article in The Guardian explaining why people are polarized and what might be done about it. While we are unlikely to resolve issues of campaign finance reform or the role of the media—including social media— over dinner, we might have the tools to navigate at least one meal with that tetchy uncle or aunt. We have updated our advice with a new tip.
To help make it easier, here are six tips from The Power of Us:
Remember that we all contain multitudes. As we have said repeatedly, people contain multiple identities and politics is merely one dimension of who we are. To avoid having your dinner filtered entirely through the prism of politics, try to make these other identities salient. Remind your dinner companions of other identities you hold in common—perhaps as family members, football fans, or members of your local community. Or start by giving asking everyone to answer this question 10 times: “I AM A _____” and then share your answers. You will realize that people have a lot more to their identity than politics.
Express collective gratitude. Thanksgiving is quite literally a time to express gratitude. So make time for it. The expression of gratitude can provide a salve for any gathering because it blocks toxic, negative emotions and inspires people to be more generous, kind, and helpful. Gratitude is a social glue that can improve the climate at home or in the workplace.
Expose false polarization. If all efforts to avoid them fail and politics arise, it can help to explain false polarization. Despite real and widespread polarization, people also tend to massively overestimate how much they are divided by political issues. Indeed, hyper-partisans (like that annoying uncle or cousin) eating an unbalanced media diet are the most likely to have false perceptions. When asked to estimate how many Republicans earn more than $250,000 a year, for example, Democrats guessed 38%. In reality it is 2%. Conversely, while about 6% of Democrats self-identify as members of the LGBT community, Republicans believed it was 32%.
Or, worse, as Kurt Gray and Emily Kubin found political partisans think that roughly 15% of the other side believes that child pornography is acceptable. The real number is 0. We falsely see a moral divide where there is actually nearly universal moral consensus.
Focus on issues and find common ground. The negativity that people feel towards political opponents is known to scientists as affective polarization. It is an emotional and identity-driven feeling of “us” versus “them”. Yet research finds that people often have many areas of agreement when it comes to actual policy. So try to move past emotional or symbolic matters and focus on real policy issues, like rising inequality, health care for people with pre-existing conditions, or the minimum wage. These are critical issues—and ones that could increase the quality of life for many people. You might find you have more in common that you expected. Another issue is to focus on local politics that are non-partisan and where you might actually be able to make real change.
If all else fails, appreciate the food! American Thanksgiving is one of the largest collective culinary celebrations in the world. As we wrote in a previous newsletter and in a column for New York Magazine, food is often a core symbol of social identity and eating together is one of the most fundamental ways humans foster social connection. In the words of Anthony Bourdain: “Food is everything we are. It's an extension of nationalist feeling, ethnic feeling, your personal history, your province, your region, your tribe, your grandma. It's inseparable from those from the get-go.”
Set social norms for debate. This year, we want to propose a new rule—set some ground rules. Maybe you can agree to avoid politics over dinner. But if you want to have a side debate with your brother in the backyard that is fair game (this is what Jay and his brother like to do, and his mother will tolerate as long as it’s out of earshot). So create your own family rules about politics and see if that helps. There is no need to stifle debate—which is critical to a healthy democracy—as long as you stick to some ground rules. We propose keeping it concrete, accurate, and impersonal.
A touching thanksgiving speech
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserThanksgiving dinner won’t solve climate change, economic inequality, or threats to democracy, but it is nevertheless an opportunity to connect with the people we care about—and, for that reason, important for our mental and physical well being. Indeed, there is a loneliness epidemic and our relationships are fundamental to our physical and mental well being.
And for relatives who have slipped deep into the rabbit holes of conspiracy, this might be their best chance to hear a different perspective from people they care about, to humanize people who have otherwise been stereotyped and parodied in their (social) media newsfeeds. Or to offer them a fresh perspective or critical facts. Of course, if you find yourself facing personal attacks it’s also fine to grab some leftovers and call it a night.
News and Updates
Jay wrote a piece “4 Research-Backed Ways to Help Your Team Collaborate Better” for Harvard Business Review with consultant Laura Kriska
Catch up on the last one…
In his new book Tribal: How The Cultural Instincts That Divide Us Can Help Bring Us Together, Columbia professor and cultural psychologist Michael Morris reveals that our tribal instincts, often blamed for polarization and conflict, are actually the key to cooperation and solidarity. Read the full interview here:
